Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want a woman not some little girl, that had to grow up in daddy's big world.

   My gift horse is facing the wrong way

   Went to a restaurant... the drinks waiter gave me drinks, the food waiter gave me food. ... then the Head waiter came over....

   Run faster I hear banjos!!!!

   reminds you that anything unrelated to elephants is *ahem*...irrelephant.

   I was just thinking. How many people have been killed in the name of Atheism? Also, how many wars have been started in the name of Atheism? Are there any suicide bombing Atheists out there? Hmm.

   once had his Ex crawling toward him on her hands and knees. The thing is, he was under the bed hiding and she was crawling toward him screaming "Come out and fight like a man!"

   Kama Sutra has finally been published as an audio book. Unfortunatly the audio is provided by Gilbert Gottfried.

   Thinks the invention of the credit/debit card, homeless people must be pissed.. do you take visa does not sound as good as a couple quarters bouncin in a cup!

   If it's worth it, fight for it & if you lose it, at least you tried.

   has anyone ever checked out their reflection in the side of their car and thought "damn I would make one sexy ass midget!"

   starting a new cult for idiots and making Kool Aid

   Shark Week is over, but I'm not taking down my decorations

   Making mirrors look good since 1992

   whats dumber than being married to your best friend for facebook purposes??????

   Will be getting Rosetta stone for the 2 voices in my head that don't speak English. Wonder if I can get a group discount??

   Only one long utter but I love getting milked

   Umm whoever is thinking about me, could you please stop. I'm tired of running!

   Ladies if you want your man home more often in the next few months... Madden 11 is here... Oh and NFL SUNDAY TICKET ont be bad either!!!

   REAL! Don't let facebook fool you... Just because you can't smell, taste, or grab him through your computer screen does not mean he doesn't exist. Have faith little one, and your devotion will be rewarded...