Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!
←Rate | 12-02-2009 20:33 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon says a clean house is the sign of a broken computer
←Rate | 12-02-2009 19:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon konws taht you can raed tihs sutats jsut fnie and you tuhohgt I was tolaltly dnruk lkie lsat tmie.
←Rate | 12-02-2009 19:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ...just heard that Tampax is replacing the strings with tinsel this month. ...Ladies, get them soon, supplies only last for the the Christmas period!
←Rate | 12-02-2009 17:18 by Tim* Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jethro Leroy Gibbs>The President address
←Rate | 12-02-2009 17:10 by Nitsua Comments (0)  

   messageicon chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head
←Rate | 12-02-2009 16:49 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon one good thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbours
←Rate | 12-02-2009 16:35 by raeanne Comments (0)  

   messageicon going to stick a mistletoe in my back pocket this XMAS, and anyone who doesn't like me can KISS MY ASS!!
←Rate | 12-02-2009 16:34 by raeanne Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shooting up heroin with Justin Bieber and Making a sex tape with Miley Cyrus..
←Rate | 12-02-2009 16:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f-ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white a$$ down that chimney tonight,he's going to see the jolliest bunch of a$$holes this side of the nuthouse!
←Rate | 12-02-2009 14:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kids brought home a flier from school yesterday asking how many would be attending the "holiday celebration" at school. My wife writes down 4, then crosses out "holiday celebration" and writes in CHRISTMAS PARTY! Just call her old school!
←Rate | 12-02-2009 12:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon heard that Christmas is being cancelled! Santa was beaten up by three black women after he walked down the street saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
←Rate | 12-02-2009 12:21 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon time to stop draggin my tush (not literally like dogs do)...gotta get a move on
←Rate | 12-02-2009 11:00 by kristi r Comments (0)  

   messageicon This Friday, the offical Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list.
←Rate | 12-02-2009 10:18 by tomcall Comments (0)  

   messageicon finally reached the Apex of Standardized Suckitude
←Rate | 12-02-2009 08:50 by olemissman79 Comments (0)  

   messageicon why is it when there is a 50-50 chance of doing something right, 90% of the time you do it wrong
←Rate | 12-02-2009 08:43 by mteebow Comments (0)  

   messageicon woke up and thought his alarm clock was laughing out loud at him... Then I realized I was looking at it upside down, it was 7:07
←Rate | 12-02-2009 08:24 by Yaj Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass
←Rate | 12-02-2009 08:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
←Rate | 12-02-2009 08:01 by bunny Comments (0)  

   messageicon I WILL BE COMPLETELY HONEST FOR 24 HOURS...You can ask me 1 question (only in my INBOX). Any question, no matter how crazy, sinister or wrong it is. You have my FULL honesty, but I DARE you to put this text on your status and see what questions you get!!
←Rate | 12-02-2009 03:20 by Ayushh Comments (0)  

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