Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Ths girl tweeted "your adorable" and I tweeted back "no, YOU'RE adorable" and now I think she completely missed the typo
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I guess I should watch the Grammys to see who our next President will be.
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:44 by barber Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can have a salad on the side but just make sure your significant other salad nevers finds out
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cinderella is really a creepy story once you realize she had some odd foot deformity that meant no one else in the kingdom could wear her slipper
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife likes to leave her shoes by the back door, so it always looks like 49 women with the same shoe size are over for a visit
←Rate | 01-28-2018 20:56 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door
←Rate | 01-28-2018 21:00 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is Matthew McConaughey still on my tv in car commercial form? Have we learned nothing from our mistakes?
←Rate | 01-28-2018 21:17 by Cicci Comments (1)  

   messageicon Seriously its 2018, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh !
←Rate | 01-29-2018 03:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you cannot afford GYM membership, you can at least afford a Deodorant!
←Rate | 01-29-2018 05:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Wife Rachel like tall slim guys, and I like older & shorter women. Neither of one of us are what we thought our type was yet & still we're living happily ever after together. Our type has changed into what we see in each other.
←Rate | 01-29-2018 05:40 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Some girls be claiming "hes my world" but this is your fourth "world" in 2 months. My sister, are you building a solar system??
←Rate | 01-29-2018 06:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
←Rate | 01-29-2018 06:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some guy knocked on my door earlier today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I replied, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
←Rate | 01-29-2018 12:46 by trickz100 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happiness is the best drug on earth and I want to be the number one drug dealer
←Rate | 01-29-2018 14:24 by L Comments (0)  

   messageicon Drink a full big glass of FOX News Kool Aid to maintain that blissfully ignorant anti-American Republican frame of mind.
←Rate | 01-29-2018 15:52 Comments (8)  

   messageicon I thought about buying Hillary Clinton's latest book until Amazon suggested that people who bought this item also bought boots, plastic sheeting, lye, and shovels
←Rate | 01-29-2018 16:13 Comments (7)  

   messageicon So like, this baby mosquito flew for the first time and when he got home his Mom said "How did it go?" and the baby mosquito said "Pretty good I guess. Everybody was clapping for me."
←Rate | 01-29-2018 21:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I sneak into hospitals and kiss coma patients.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 03:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 03:57 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon How can fish get high? With seaweed.
←Rate | 01-30-2018 04:12 by Jake Comments (0)  

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