Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5672 of 6369
I just got the best deal ever on eggs.
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08-19-2010 18:01
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was a strange kid. I had an upper and lower G.I Joe.
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08-19-2010 17:46
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Me, walking: "Pedestrians ALWAYS have the right of way!" Me, driving: "LOOK OUT FOR CARS, freakin idiots."
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08-19-2010 16:46
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It's so annoying when someone keeps talking after you've interrupt them.
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08-19-2010 16:44
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They say that money isn't the key to happiness. If I had lots of money, I'd have the key made.
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08-19-2010 16:43
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Sleep is like sex... I don't get either one as much as I want.
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08-19-2010 16:42
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You know that nervous feeling you get every time you're about to slide your debit card? And then the joy you feel when it says approved.
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08-19-2010 16:41
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Some "smart phone." Can't even tell the difference between a "Missed Call" and a "Purposely Ignored and Sent Straight to Voicemail" one.
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08-19-2010 16:40
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When I was a boy, we didn't bail countries out. We took their land.
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08-19-2010 16:39
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No, really, I'm laughing with you. Well, I will once I can find the time to stop laughing at you.
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08-19-2010 16:38
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...just heard that angered by today's Federal indictment for lying to Congress about his use of steroids and human growth hormones, Roger Clemens threw a car at reporters...
i used to get money.....actually I was just taking it
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08-19-2010 16:37
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Whoa there, magazine, I already bought you. No need to pop out a million little post card babies asking me to subscribe.
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08-19-2010 16:35
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When a GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."
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08-19-2010 16:34
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I wish sometimes I was a WWE superstar, not so I can wrestle but so I can have some theme music everytime I enter a room.
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08-19-2010 16:34
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Since I've been out of school, I've been to over 30 weddings. That's like 15 miles of the electric slide, people.
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08-19-2010 16:32
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
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08-19-2010 16:31
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Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
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08-19-2010 16:30
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The current news of a wheat shortage doesn't concern me, as Jack Daniels is made from corn.
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08-19-2010 16:28
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It's not even 10 o'clock and I've already used up all my "give a crap" for the day.
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08-19-2010 16:27
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