Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 5669 of 5786

   messageicon Just call her the Carpenter's Special: flat as a board and never been nailed.
←Rate | 11-21-2009 03:07 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon says Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.
←Rate | 11-21-2009 02:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. And I have the Restraining Order to prove it! LOL
←Rate | 11-21-2009 01:50 by GabrielBelmont Comments (0)  

   messageicon just hacked into Santa's computer. All corporate executives will be getting coal this year.
←Rate | 11-21-2009 00:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anything you say will be held against you. "Tit".
←Rate | 11-21-2009 00:08 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon so looking forward to seeing "New Moon". Wow! An emo-kid vampire movie? How original!
←Rate | 11-20-2009 23:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon stocking up on Twinkies and shoe polish so he can replace Oprah in 2011.
←Rate | 11-20-2009 23:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon oral sex is a lot like smoking a cigarette...the flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt....
←Rate | 11-20-2009 22:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Santa..he's pretty lucky..cuz he knows where all the naughty girls are at..that's why he's so jolly you see?
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if you bet an emo kid 20 bucks that he won't kill himself, you'll either be 20 bucks richer or break even
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women burn an average of 27 calories during an orgasm, Faking an orgasm burns 160 calories. I've been helping women lose weight
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon so I slept on a park bench last hobo
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i named my two goldfish 1 and 2, because if 1 died I still had 2
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon my parents said I could anything I wanted to be when I grew I chose to be an asshole
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After much prayer and months of careful thought, I have decided the next season, season 25 will be the last season of the Oprah Winfrey Show.
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinks that some days it would be nice to build a life size "Whack-a-Mole" game, and choose 9 lucky people to put in it!
←Rate | 11-20-2009 19:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I caught my daughter playing with the power outlet. She gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.
←Rate | 11-20-2009 17:43 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.
←Rate | 11-20-2009 17:26 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to talk and walk,then the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
←Rate | 11-20-2009 17:11 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Refuse's to watch anything twilight or new moon, for the same reason he does not eat anything soy, He's afraid what too much estrogen might do to his body.
←Rate | 11-20-2009 15:56 by Pedro Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left