Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, I`ve got one. A Mexican, a Jew and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the hell out of here!"

   Where did Justin Timberlake go? He promised to bring sexy back

   Bella: I know what you are. Edward: say it Bella say outloud . Bella: Gay

   Death is God's way of saying you are fired. Suicide is your way of saying you cant fire me God,i quit!!

   I stepped on a corn flake, now I'm a cereal killer!

   It's impossible to drop something in your car and it not disappearing between the seats. :))

   Of course I like you! What do you think this is? Facebook?

   on his way to the eye doctor. Hoping for at least a 12.2 megapixel upgrade :)

   thinks it would be cool if Oprah would give audience members a free Winnebago, a gift-card to Walmart, and a thong with an big "O" on it.

   ┌П┐(◕‿◕) ┌П┐

   - Q: What did King Kong say to Rosie O'Donnell? A: "Is it in?"

   Michael Jackson gets to go to heaven because he was doing things the priest were doing.

   Your Hope has been redistributed... Here's your Change.

   thinking...we would all be naked right now if it wasn't for that darn apple!

   wondering who ever came up with the saying "taking candy from a baby" as being something easy. I don't think they have ever tried it. I would rather take a salmon from a grizzly.

   Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

   What I would do for two Saturdays...

   Every Chinese buffet I have ever been to has had a huge selection of Jell-o. Do they know something about gelatin that I don't know?

   Noticed an ASPCA-sponsored bumper sticker shaped like a milk bone that said 'I sleep with dogs.' I thought it was pretty cute. Then the guy and his not-so-pretty wife got out of the truck. Oh the irony!

   The pills I take to prevent hangovers never work, because they lure me into a false sense of security and I end up drinking more than modern science can handle.