Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon may not be the prettiest flower in the garden, but at least i'm loved by some amazing people
←Rate | 11-24-2009 11:43 by becca Comments (0)  

   messageicon approached a woman at the bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, "Security".
←Rate | 11-24-2009 10:29 by mark1965 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thinks i'm going to answer the phone at work all day today saying ''Hello, this is Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color"?
←Rate | 11-24-2009 08:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women who think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach are aiming a bit too high.
←Rate | 11-24-2009 07:53 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to the docs the other day. He told me to stop eating so many eggs. I said " Why? Is my cholestorol that high?" . He said "No but your farts are absolutely f *cking rank!!"
←Rate | 11-24-2009 07:18 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you want to buy some marijuana,press the hash key now.
←Rate | 11-24-2009 06:17 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinks people who say they don't swear haven't had the right sex or food.
←Rate | 11-24-2009 06:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI
←Rate | 11-24-2009 05:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to call my ex wife 'Treasure.' It wasnt because she was precious to me. It was because everybody kept asking where I dug her up from.
←Rate | 11-24-2009 01:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.
←Rate | 11-24-2009 01:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women often wonder why men drink so much. Well the answer is simple. If you're not going to make an effort to improve your appearance, someone has to.
←Rate | 11-24-2009 00:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon the best things in life...involve rum!
←Rate | 11-23-2009 23:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinks you should get compensated for every popcorn kernel that doesn't pop in every bag of popcorn
←Rate | 11-23-2009 23:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon dreamed he ate a 10lb marshmellow, when I woke up the pillow was gone!!! WTF
←Rate | 11-23-2009 21:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!
←Rate | 11-23-2009 21:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon at 8:45 pm , facebook had an EPIC FAIL
←Rate | 11-23-2009 20:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon proven the myth that a bird will always crap on a freshly washed car... Now, where'd I put that bb gun?
←Rate | 11-23-2009 20:49 by bricktop Comments (0)  

   messageicon 3 blondes comes across some tracks. 1st blonde "Its deer tracks!" 2nd blonde "No! Dog tracks!" 3rd blonde "No! Its bear tracks!" They were still arguing when they were hit by a train.
←Rate | 11-23-2009 20:34 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a person offends you, do not resort to extremes, simply watch your chance and hit them in the head with a brick.
←Rate | 11-23-2009 20:24 by bcj Comments (0)  

   messageicon instant superhero, just add alcohol
←Rate | 11-23-2009 20:11 Comments (0)  

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