Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to kick somebody's a$$, somewhere in the world, who works in a glitter factory.

   Either way, I'm still going to be laying on the couch and watching TV all day, but if I can hear it raining outside I somehow feel a lot less lazy.

   It'll be weird when names like Heather and Ashley are old people names.

   anyone else as apprehensive about throwing out a shoebox as I am?

   The first person who was used for a silhouette must have been ridiculously ugly. "Woah, change of plans. Instead of a portrait, how about we just take the shadow of your face?"

   Making all day plans on the weekend always sounds fantastic. Right up until the time my alarm goes off and I remember I hate getting up early on weekends and I don't really like other people.

   Shouldn't they be called salt and pepper shakees? I do all the work and they get all the credit. I'm the f*cking shaker!

   Whenever I'm driving, and someone lets me go in front of them, I always feel the need to go as fast as possible, so they don't regret their decision. I won't let you down, Mr. Mercedes Man, I won't let you down.

   Whenever I choose to go down the stairs next to a crowded escalator, I feel the need to move faster than the escalator to prove to the people on board that I made the better decision.

   The best thing about this day? I haven't been fired. The worst thing about this day? I'm still working here.

   GOP = Greed Over Patriotism

   I really want to know why Newton discovered gravity when he saw an apple falling. He used to sh*t and I'm sure it didn't fly.

   One day you're gonna ask me whose life is more important? Yours or mine, I will say mine and you'll walk away never knowing you are my life.

   wishes he could start everyday running through a paper wall into the kitchen with the gladiators theme tune playing full blast.

   Dont you hate it when you realize you have to take a $hit right after you shower

   This is MY facebook wall and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

   welcome back FRIDAY !!! I knew you coming back ,im fully charged and ready to get wasted with you ;)

   I'm not naughty! I'm just mischievously creative!

   Just saved a bunch of money on my Mental Insurance by switching to Psycho!

   Nothing pisses me off like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY dumbass!