Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon What did all these desperate people do to get laid before the internet?
←Rate | 04-18-2010 22:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Dad is taking ownership of my phone for a day so if you could refrain from sending me texts like "F&ck me gently with a chainsaw"(2:30am) then that would be fantastic
←Rate | 04-18-2010 21:18 by paulb808 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not your knight in shining armor.... I'm more like a jackass covered in aluminum foil
←Rate | 04-18-2010 20:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Peter Griffin doesn't look so stupid now with his volcano insurance.
←Rate | 04-18-2010 19:44 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon My friend just introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that guarantees a 100% payout. It's called a job.
←Rate | 04-18-2010 19:40 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I should have taken the red pill. Damn.
←Rate | 04-18-2010 17:56 by @pipsiae Comments (0)  

   messageicon Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb
←Rate | 04-18-2010 16:47 by s e l l e r s 8 2 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know what really gets on my nerves? Skin.
←Rate | 04-18-2010 16:46 by s e l l e r s 8 2 Comments (0)  

   messageicon used to be an aethist. Then I found out I am God....
←Rate | 04-18-2010 16:08 by samdave69 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"...
←Rate | 04-18-2010 15:15 by Scott Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was injured tap dancing. Broke my ankle when I fell into the sink.
←Rate | 04-18-2010 13:59 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.
←Rate | 04-18-2010 13:57 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon What's the right age to tell a highway he was adopted? Wont be long til he realizes he doesn't look anything like me
←Rate | 04-18-2010 13:54 by Vito Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mary had a little lamb the doctor fainted
←Rate | 04-18-2010 11:33 by @plasticmortal Comments (0)  

   messageicon no one asked you what you think but its nice to know that you do!
←Rate | 04-18-2010 09:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon -- People often offer me incentives to quit smoking such as ......"Think of all the money you'd save".........Surely that'd just be the money i'd need to survive my longer life ?...
←Rate | 04-18-2010 09:24 by Y.P Comments (2)  

   messageicon Still in bed, the kid asked me to come downstairs... said he wanted to show me something "totally awesome." If it's not a bacon tower, I'm gonna be pissed.
←Rate | 04-18-2010 08:58 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon if a funeral possession is at night, do people drive with their lights off???
←Rate | 04-18-2010 08:28 Comments (3)  

   messageicon "Gaga" = A Form Of Dodge Ball ..... Lady Gaga = Lesbian ..... Lesbian = Literally Dodges Balls ... Coincedence ? ... I think Not !
←Rate | 04-18-2010 04:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If God is inside us, then I hope he likes enchiladas
←Rate | 04-18-2010 04:40 by MG Comments (0)  

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