Funny Status Messages

   I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and says, "Oh look at that!" Then whoosh, and I'm gone... and they'll never see anything like it ever again... and they won't be able to forget me - ever.

   My microwave has a button that says "STOP TIME", its probably to stop the timer but I don't touch it just in case

   Everything happens for a reason. It's just that it's always too late when we find out.

   WHOA! Someone just explained to me that I don't get paid for updating my status. I'm going to miss you guys.

   It's time to do some stuff around the house. Sit around it... walk around it... lie around it...

   Us women are stupid. We b*tch moan and yell about something not done by someone else but by the time we get done complaining we couldve done it ourselves..I'm a woman and I will never understand us

   Levi Johnston is part native, he just took back his apology to Palin

   Why does Jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone?

   found out softcore porn isn't like real sex, it doesn't fade out to a candle, waterfall or something lame like that."

   Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called two faced, its called growing up

   If you are among the cream of dairy inspectors, nothing cheesy gets pasteurize.

   "I am sick of people getting "offended" by what I say...put on your big girl panties and deal with it

   Don't make someone your priority if they only make you an option!!

   Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?

   If you don't have the courage to walk alone others will not have the courage to walk with you.

   God said: "I cannot be everywhere, So I created MOTHER!" The Devil Replied: "Even I can't be everywhere, So I created MOTHER-IN-LAW!!!"

   Women you want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!

   I like to screw with the customer service girl at Kroger.I go to the coinstar machine and put in 74 cents and then take the receipt to customer service just to see the look on her face!

   When I was older I used to love playing around with time machines.

   Women are better at hiding cheating, Men are better at Cheating.