Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   make sure your wearing Deodorant when you reaching for the stars.

   Don't reach for the stars. You'll just look like a idiot stretching for no reason.

   unpeeling the stickers on her Rubix Cube then putting them back on to solve it

   Surgery went well... thanks everyone for the cards and flowers, but get real people... send food!

   Taylor Lautner nake- oops...this isn't google.

   Watching Teen Cribs with Miley Cyrus and Doing Lines with Paris Hilton

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack mace and a taser.

   I love the point when you are finished with a transaction over the phone & you get to pretend that you are writing down the reference number.

   Fantasizing about your upcoming vacation is usually better than the vacation itself.

   I found out one of the fundamental differences between my girl and I today. While at the state fair we were walking through the animal barns and while she began ranking animals in order of cuteness, I found myself ranking them in order of deliciousness.

   When I have kids I hope that they are grateful and can appreciate the value of a dollar... not always requesting designer clothes, the best and newest toys and video games, and non-generic food. In other words, I hope they are nothing like me.

   The sweetest voice mail message at work is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."

   A guy on the subway couldn't squeeze past everyone to get off, so he yelled, "I think I'm gonna sh*t." Suddenly, people found a way to make room and he stepped off, smiling, and strolled away. Good one, sir.

   My prescription's instructions say to take 1 pill "by mouth." This begs the questions: Is there, in fact, a version of this I can take "by butt?" And if so, why the hell has doc been holding out on me???

   If I was running from the law (literally), I'd much rather be running from an athletic cop than a fat cop because an athletic cop will only tackle me if he catches me, a fat cop will shoot me just so he doesn't have to run.

   Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminum foil. Wrap foi laround your head, stay calm, and breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem. Copy & pas

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.

   ..is drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...

   A huge gym opened up right next to my local bar. No thanks, I'll just stick to my one-armed pint glass curls, drunk friend dead-lifts and pick-my-drunk-ass-off-the-floor push-ups.

   The only reason I'd want to be both rich and famous is so that I can arrange dates with pretentious gold-diggers that are aware of my wealth and status -- then pick them up for our date in a beat-up, lime green Kia Rio and see their reaction.