Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone is watching you brush your teeth, you brush for longer than you normally do alone

   I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.

   The uneasy moment when you are having a conversation in your head & you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.

   If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.

   The only appropriate time to yell out "I HAVE DIARRHEA!", is when you're playing scrabble. Because it's worth a whole load of points.

   Its funny how sitting "boy girl boy girl" use to be a punishment...

   My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

   I stopped listening somewhere around the third grade.

   So today I think I'm going to entertain my kids with a good game of duct, duct, tape.

   Do birds get mad when other birds sh*t in the bird bath? "Dude what the hell?! That is NOT okay! There's a car RIGHT THERE!"

   If you're going to call your wifi network "Wireless", at least have the courtesy to make the password "password"

   thinks its time to clean out the handbag, I just put it on the passenger seat of my car and the seat belt light came on!

   wishes he could delete people in real life as fast as he can his facebook friends.

   When someone says, "Facebook is stupid." what they really mean is "I don't know how to use a computer."

   Uh oh...just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago...this can't be good.

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   Seriously folks, only go in the fast lane if you know how to use it. If you have 2 or more cars directly behind you, you obviously aren't using it correctly.

   A MILF is a sexy ass mum over 35. If you're 18, you're just an idiot with a baby.

   Airplanes have now banned tweezers. I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane.

   My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer