Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   70% of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk tou your doctor about Cymbalta.

   Why in the hell do I have to press 1 for English and be left on hold for ten minutes to ultimately speak to someone who can't speak English…….someone please explain this….

   If the mini skirt gets any shorter...women will have two more lips to paint, two more cheeks to powder, & a little more hair to comb"

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.

   On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?

   You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people

   My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they're like "It wasn't that hard."

   The new Def Leppard Rock Band game is such a rip off. It only came with one drum stick.

   If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.

   Hey,, adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via my news feed,,, learn how to text.

   Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia. Hwoevre, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

   I fart, why..because it's the only gas I can afford.

   Sooo, the real moral of Rudolph's story is that no one will like you until you have something they want or need? Now that's the Christmas spirit!

   The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.

   Never wear a G-string backwards while doing jumping jacks........ and I don't want to talk about this anymore...

   I hate it when pedestrians get all up in my grill.

   New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.

   They have auto-steer and auto-park on new cars, but I would like to see auto-drivemydrunkass homefromthebar.

   HEY,,, I remember when they had Child Protective Services when I was a kid... And her name was Grandma... Love you Gram !

   They should create an app that makes your cellphone go "ahhhhhh" when you plug it in.