Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people need to do things to try and impress simply because their personality doesn't

   Amy Winehouse is 27 today...her liver is lookin like 63

   If you fall and break both of your legs, don't come running to me.

   Did you guys hear about the robber that stole a calendar? Yeah, he got 12 months.

   Camping out for video game releases is a fun way to prepare for your impending homelessness.

   gotta check the mail box but I'm standing at the door naked thinking I can make it and back witout being caught....he goes nothing..really

   Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that's what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)

   its peanut butter and jelly time !!!!

   My favorite sexual position: The Chilean miner. That's where you go down on me and stay there till Christmas.

   A couple is having sex and suddenly the boy stops and his girlfriend says "What are you doing?" The boy says "I've seen this on a porn once, it's called buffering"

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

   I bought a gps so my wife would quit telling which direction to take...now I have two women telling where to go.

   How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you.

   No matter how old I get, I will always be overly excited when I receive a hand written letter in the mail.

   loves waking up to a excited puppy at my bedroom door until I see her run off to the kitchen & realize that the only reason she is excited to see me is cause there is food on the counter & I sometimes give her my leftovers. Little BIOTCH.

   talk is cheap, thats why everyone can afford it

   What do you call a thousand armed lesbians?... Militia Ethridge!

   Whats Brown and hides in the attic? The diarhea of Ann Frank!

   What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?.... Wipes his ass.

   Nightmare George Michael been sent to prison his going to be busy in them showers ...