Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doesn't understand the relationship status "It's complicated". Do you introduce them as friend, stranger or complicated?

   took my dog to sign up for Welfare. The clerk said dogs are not eligible. I said why not?!? He's unemployed, lazy, can't speak English, and dosen't know who his dad is!

   Sometimes when a person tells you "I've got your back..." they forget to add "...in my crosshairs."

   crane operators have swinging balls

   So today I think I'm going to entertain my kids with a good game of duct, duct, tape.

   saving money and recycling my peanuts

   kayaking....makes me wet

   They should have one Facebook for True Friends "Two Face"book for the Rest!! Just Sayin

   would rather check her facebook than face her check book

   So they've sent George Michael to prison. Isn't that like sentencing Vanessa Feltz to eight weeks in a chocolate factory?

   Sorry little boy who came to my door trying to make a better life for yourself, but I will not buy that 7$ candy bar from you when I can get the same candy bar for a buck at the store.

   thinks it is nice when people are at least a little humble, even if it isn't their BEST quality like it is for me.

   Dear Loreal, your hair coloring products get rid of my gray hair and your cosmetics make me look younger, but tell me what you were thinking when you came up with this self-tanning lotion that makes your skin orange?

   ~There are a lot of things you dont know about me facebook..Things you wouldn't understand......Things you couldn't understand........ Things you shouldn't understand.~

   gave a pint of blood today... too bad it was at the dentist's office

   Dear Man Next To Me: You might want to turn down your iPod, because everyone in the room can tell you're listening to "Party In The USA" even though you don't think they can.

   's mind suffered a mild psychotic episode, will be back as soon as the narcotics kick in ;)

   I guess the truth really does hurt. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle when the seat's missing, but it hurts.

   I don't know what it is about Snookies face but it makes me wanna take a dump

   wonders if someone driving a VW bug knows they are causing fistfights wherever they go.