Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After all these episodes of "I survived" & "I shouldnt be alive"... why doesnt anyone keep any damn snacks in their pockets!

   All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg: Weren't you doing just fine without the irritating banner ads?

   I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... in Morse code. I'm pretty sure that is what he was hammering. Another neighbor smiled and waved to me in a ploy to throw me off about the hammer signals

   Ever wonder what your face is doing when you aren't paying attention?

   There are 2 versions of being broke... A guy version and a girl version. Girl version: They can still get their hair and nails done. Guy version: We will be looking like a gorilla and eating from the dollar menu until next pay period.

   Don't say "Can I be honest with you?" an hour into the conversation. It leads me to believe you've been lying up until now.

   They say spiders, bears and snakes are as scared of us as we are of them. They have an advantage over people, though. They're probably pretty damned sure people aren't going to bite them.

   Dear twilight fans : Please realise that cause Vampires are dead, and have no blood pumpin through them, they can never get an erection ! Enjoy fantasizing about that !!

   going to hide were even Dora cant find me

   I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.

   I like really dark movie theatres. That way, I don't have to buy my own popcorn.

   If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

   If you think about it, puff puff pass is just like the grown up version of duck duck goose.

   "911, what's your emergency?" - "Quick, my dreams are dying!"

   I'm tired of waiting to drive a flying car!

   A trip to Walmart at 3am has now convinced that the next zombie outbreak will happen. I have seen carriers of the virus but they look to have some immunity. They look and smell like the living dead but they are still very much alive.

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   Why when I go into a gym all the big girls look at me and think why is she here.... I look at them and think "Im glad I'm here now," maybe you should have been in here earlier in life and you'd be on my side...

   "It's impossible," said pride. "It's risky," said experience. "It's pointless," said reason. "Give it a try," whispered the heart.