Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my dog has taught me anything, it's avoid people at all cost and take as many naps as possible

   I discovered that growing up in the '60's was more fun than being in my 60's...

   Stop naming hospitals after dead people. I'm mean give us some hope? Where is the Keith Richards Memorial Hospital?

   Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

   Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage

   How come in 1969 we were able to send men all the way to the Moon and maintain perfect communication with them the whole time, while in 2019 I can't walk into the other room without losing a cell phone signal?

   Wanna know what living in Florida is like? Take a hot shower. Don't dry off. Put on all your clothes

   When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes.

   Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!

   No more edibles for me !! I just Put My ice cream In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number.

   My newly wed neighbor man asked me about marriage.... I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

   I bet a lot of optometrists retire next year, you know... 2020.

   Can relate to pirates, because I too am after the booty.

   If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!

   What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.

   i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package

   The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.

   *Gets bit by spider* *I don't get powers* *Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

   The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.

   'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.