Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Michael Bay is changing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into aliens?! Doesnt that make them Teenage Alien Intergalactic Ninja Turtles, then? (TAINT)

   So does God now root for the Jets or does he stay loyal to the Broncos?

   Y.O.L.O You Obviously Love Oreos

   I've just had sex the Manchester City way....I stayed on top for ages and still came second.....

   i put a grocery bag on the door when I ain't got no more garbage bags

   oh oh here comes the slutty shorts

   it wrong to tell the person who just used the bathroom ahead of you that they need to see a doctor?

   Whenever I'm smoking in an open space and someone starts coughing like a b1tch, I throw a teargas canister at them and run.

   I have always loved hockey but seriously I'm watch hillbilly Joe from the Kings team talk on TV right now and I just have to know...can't they get their teeth fixed with all that money they make?? Someone needs to use that dental plan!

   've always wondered why W is called Double U, when it's clearly Double V...

   Spain made over 800 passes in last night's game. The only way England could make that many is if we enter Wayne Rooney on Mastermind.

   Spice Girls reunite?!?! We have to ask... Which one would you bang?

   I just went by Lowes to see if they had any grass......That had a whole different meaning when I was 20....just sayin'

   I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it… bed.

   I dont know whether to cut my veins or let them grow...

   Change is the necessary ingredient for all advancement, and yet it is something that very few can accept without a fight..! (",)

   wonders if homeless people go trick or treating dressed as bums

   In need of someone to go down and perform routine maintenance. Apply within.

   Hey Jack In The Crack...I ordered an Ulitimate Burger not an Ultimate Mustard!

   Why do you have to go so slowly over a "speed" bump?