Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   being a mother is like Hotel California, you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave:S

   The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

   and I talk to myself on my Facebook wall... I'M AWESOME....I'M AWESOME

   going to jail....because I just assaulted that plate of nachos!

   wake me up when is xmas over coz I cant afford buy any presents....

   I am the old guy who cut you off, took your parking spot, glared at you in the mall, called the cops on your party last night...and married your Grandma

   i like my suits like I like my women..... double breasted

   would like to partake in the consumption of multiple alcoholic beverages this evening

   To all my barbies out there who date Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, you'll be better off in life. Get that money!

   MISSING: Sultry dark haired nymphomaniac. Likes 2 have hair pulled & be tied up. Please return immediately as she may be dangerous! I am a trained professional

   I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.

   My wife just asked me "would you say I'm a selfish person?" My answer - "well, not to your face..."

   wonders if Conan O'Brien feels like the red headed step child of NBC? .....oh wait, he does have red hair!

   wondering; why do people on facebook, when they find a -public- photo album to someone they dont know, feel like they've won a million ???

   ...wanted to buy some goose feathers but couldn't afford the down payment..

   thinks, sex is like any other performance, i.e a stage performance. So as that you dont blow it early on in the show, you must have a rehersal before HAND so as not to leave your audience (partner) disapointed.

   the Super Bowl is on February 7, The pre game started on February 3.

   needs 5 steel beams for his horse glue factory

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

   Can I lick the beater? Is what I ask when my wife is giving me a hand job.