Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the store to buy some invisible tape, but I didn't see any.

   Ving, my Asian friend wanted to change his name to Lee. We filled out the paperwork and went to the name change office and got in line. He got nervous and wanted to change his mind but I said "Don't stop, be Lee Ving!!"

   I asked Lebron James for change of a dollar... He gave me only three quarters. I told him he owed me another 25 cents. He told me he doesn't have a fourth quarter.

   Why do people share "Lost Dog" posts on FB? Most dogs aren't even on FB.

   Ladies, don't get your panties in a bunch. The ones sold individually are much nicer.

   Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am you think, i'm glad these are here.

   Don't throw away your fidget spinners. Fidget spinners won't kill you. The only thing fidget spinners kill is time.

   I can't believe I didn't get an Oscar nomination for my performance in, "No, I never got your text!"

   You'd think by the amount of people claiming to have native blood that we native men would have a better reputation as lovers

   If she asks you what you want for Father's Day. Tell her to take you off child support.

   I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Cryin' Over You.

   My dishwasher broke. Anyone knows where I should take her and get her fixed?

   Does ke$ha go by k€sha when she's in Europe?

   Fun fact: if you shush a librarian they have to grant you three wishes.

   Wonder Woman earned $300 million worldwide in its first week. "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

   If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2017!

   If you are ever stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, give them each a 5-Hour Energy drink just before returning them to Mom and Dad.

   I wonder if Tupac will make it to his movie premier??

   Imagine: Naked in a room full of people who speak a different language & everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. 🐕

   I saw a guy hit 2 good balls today playing golf. He stepped on a rake.