Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Really hates the "Green Earth" Placards in the hotel bathroom. Hang up your towel, save the planet from extinction.....Leave the Towel on the floor, a Panda dies!

   Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't f#cking clap." I was that white guy.

   A man asks a HOT woman "will you go on a date with me" She says "your not my type" Man Quickly replies "You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!"

   a social drinker. Someone says "I'll have a drink" and she says "Social I."

   Tonight's itinerary: watch MMA fight, go to hockey game, drink beer, scratch my balls.

   "I want you to tongue punch your fart box" ~~ my worst pick-up line ever, probably....

   Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "curiosity was here"

   If I like your status, please know that I'm mumbling "Screw you for being funnier than me" under my breath.

   maybe Jimmie Johnson is a better driver than I thought.... he managed to give Rick Hendrick a blow job and drive a victory lap at the same time...

   Homosexual has the same number of letters as cantaloupe. Coincidence? Yes.

   If women that like younger men are cougars are older men that llike young men Nittany Lions?

   Why is it of the few times I actually turn my TV on I'm subjected to seeing one of these stupid Geico commercials? The talking Gecko is not funny or cute. Newsflash Geico, your uncreative pointless commercials blow ass.

   Scientifically proven not to induce insanity in chimpanzees

   out clubbing last night, beat my record of 24 seals!

   I am not fat....Love for food has made me a nutritional overachiever.

   Don’t trust people who avoid the sun. They’re shady.

   Got a problem? iI got a problem solver……and his name is revolver.

   wondering why that frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

   fortified with 8 vitamins and minerals

   FUBAR