Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just saw that Harry Potter movie. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?

   met this girl at the pub and she told me her ‘sex was on fire'. She lied. But ironically, now it burns when I piss.

   "The mistakes of the past don't define you... they refine you."

   Worrying Is like a rocking chair, sure it gives you something to do but in the end, it gets you nowhere.

   Why does the day after payday feel just like the day before payday???

   I remember my first status...

   real eyes realize real lies

   Do me a favor..run your face into my fist really hard..

   I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.

   I can't believe Google is c0cky enough to start guessing after one letter.

   "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."... thought the Dog.

   When dressing up for Halloween, disguise the limit.

   It's all fun and games til they open up the trunk...

   Everytime I see a matttress on top of a car I think it's a prostitute making house calls..

   Please talk to my face, my breasts can't hear you.

   Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.

   If you can afford alcohol and cigarettes then you don't need food-stamps

   thinking about Autotuning our building's tornado warning announcement lady

   I can charm any mother....it's getting the daughter that is the tricky part....

   The temptations of Facebook are like a boomerang. You throw it as far as you can, but it comes right back to you.