Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What does "prices too low to advertise" mean? Are they afraid if they advertise the price that too many people will want to buy it?

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...

   Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.

   Of all the poop in this world, who decided that bat shyt's the craziest?

   Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?

   A sheep spends it's entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.

   When she starts "first of all "in the middle of an argument,just give up, she has won already as she is gonna bring up stuff from 10 years back

   You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

   My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

   I have no problem with the Kardashians. I have a problem with the people who care about them.

   FACT : If someone is playing Xmas music in October, you're legally allowed to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration.

   Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no psychotic meltdowns, either...

   Just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

   When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly. And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.

   I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special, we pretty much just tell them straight up that they are going to die."

   We were so poor that all we had for dinner was “helper”.

   I am already ashamed of some of the things I will be doing over the festive holiday.