Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.

   Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.

   This election is just dragging on too long. It's like the world's longest Nicolas Cage movie...

   Starting to think that guy in the mirror doesn't like me.

   Dear America, feel free to use me whenever you want. Sincerely, common sense.

   At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.

   If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.

   It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.

   Are you tired of wal-mart rushing our holiday's? I can't believe it, They already have birthday cards out and it's still months away from my birthday!!!!

   Throwing out a stale donut today. Please respect my privacy at this very difficult time.

   I wonder what our parents did for fun before the internet.. I asked my 16 brothers and sisters, but none of them know .. weird !

   I think Suge Knight pays someone to shoot him before the VMAs so he doesn't have to sit through them

   I'd take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.

   Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, and where did he get the idea?

   There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.

   Pro Tip: When having sex on the first date, ALWAYS say "I've never done this" so your partner knows you're a compulsive liar as well.

   " I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!

   So glad Facebook has changed the layout again!! - Said no one, ever...

   I gave up on everyone, don't make this about you.

   Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.