Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...

   Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.

   Of all the poop in this world, who decided that bat shyt's the craziest?

   Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?

   This is why the government won’t tell us if aliens are real. You fockers will panic and buy all the tin foil.

   Do people just get up and think about what they can be offended by today?

   Just found out AT&T stands for Atlantic Telephone and Telegraph. I think my internet is connected to the telegraph side.

   My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary.

   BREAKING: FBI finds John Wilkes Booth "extremely careless" in discharge of firearm.

   In Jurassic World, they were able to train raptors. Still not as impressive as the Flintstones convincing a bird to be their record player.

   Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

   There's a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It's like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn't say why.

   I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap.

   It used to be only captured criminals covered their faces with their jackets... Now it's people telling pollsters how they're going to vote.

   The man in the toilet stall next to me sounds like he’s pushing a car up a hill and not making any headway.

   I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."

   .... Isn't it curious that Hillary's health narrative went from "Stop the Conspiracy Theories" to "Hillary is perfectly healthy, stop being sexist" to "FDR had Polio and was a good President" in less than 12 hours?

   I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”