Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   its not that I cant do a rubiks cube its just your colorblind.. :)

   responsibly irresponsible....

   You ever watched ants? You got that kinda time on your hands like me??

   Out of a million voices I want to be the one that is heard.

   Its so hot outside right now that I'm getting hot flashes... and I'm a man!

   Beer: sometimes too much to drink isn't enough..

   if I could only make myself believe

   i dont get it? if pandas eat bamboo all the time why are they so fat???

   Dear Lord... When he stands before you for judgment, let him stay around for a while. Give him the grand tour and introduce him to the thousands of people who have been waiting there for over a decade to forgive him. (continued...)

   UseI think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5 seconds at a red light makes it turn green faster

   There is no such thing as instant experience.

   My G/F gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument. Then took it away by never letting me forget it.

   Sir Alex Ferguson is furious with Ashley cole after seeing pictures of horror tackle,Wouldn't be the first time pictures of his tackle have got him in trouble

   Never blow your nose while sitting on the pot, ignorance is bliss.

   in theory, if you run around a tree at the speed of light, you could kick your own a$$!

   I Participated in a food drive today..went to Harvey's..umm delicious..!!

   I absentmindedly ate a whole jug of dried apricots last night and now I'm applying for maternity leave.

   Trying really hard to have a good day. There is not nearly enough genital touching going on for that to happen though.

   a womans mind is like a baby's diaper...gets changed many times throughout the day

   just read that A.C. Nielsen Jr., pioneer of TV ratings firm, died yesterday as well, but due to news of Steve Jobs it was overlooked and Mr. Nielsen only received an 8.5 rating.