Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tried practicing Fruit Ninja in the kitchen, ended up playing Temple Run with my wife chasing me like an Angry Bird

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's really pissed that I beat him to it. Heck, I'm not stupid .... I put mine up three years ago!

   Purina hung up on me. I suggested mouse flavored cat food.

   I just ate a whole jar of expired mayonnaise!

   Try this yourself. If you take two fingers and push your cat's ears down he will look just like Yoda.

   I'm going to say goodbye to some of you now. Let's see you reads my page. If you are my friend click like and copy and paste this to your fridge.

   The guy standing in front of me should probably step out of line and go grab himself some sort of antidiarrheal medication. All he had to do was sneeze for me to be pretty sure that he has the stomach flu...

   My gums are throbbing, someone somewhere just spilled their whiskey!

   I speak several languages besides English: British, Australian, Scottish and Welch.

   distance can be so cruel when you love somebody

   We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not.

   In two days my optometrist promised me 2020 vision.

   Come join the world wide movement called "I pledge to bend over and pick up a random piece of garbage on the street or wherever I see it" movement. Like and share if you like to join!

   I think it's great that they're going to send a woman to the Moon which will be one small step for mankind one giant leap for women.

   My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"

   [reviewing security cam footage to see what's eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it's me

   "A trail of clothes leading up to a bedroom before marriage ment a night of pashionate love making. Now it means you dropped them on your way from the dryer.

   A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.

   Everyone needs a backup man. My husband: plan. The word is plan

   My retirement plan is hoping that a really rich dude with a fat fetish offers me a million dollars to sleep with my wife.