Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I left the FrisbeeIsm cult. They just used circular reasoning.

   So do we all have the same automatic spell checker? Or am I his only Facebook friend?

   On new year's eve, tonight while counting down the last 10 seconds, Lift yout left leg so you start the new year out on the right foot, making all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! Happy new years guys! Be safe, please. 😘

   All this beer drinking I do gives me a hangover. It's really noticeable when I stand sideways.

   So PETA is putting down pet cats and recruiting hot babes to protest naked...I guess I need to take the protest against them to a new level.

   To the people who have smoke alarms: Where’s your sense of adventure?

   When you believe everything is a conspiracy theory, blame 8t on psychosis.

   Kids in middle school showing off their double jointed appendages is the original weird flex

   [laying on the couch this morning] Wife: I’d rather shave my poison Ivy covered legs and douse with paint thinner while listening to Nickelback. Me: ...a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine.

   Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it's so nice meeting people who don't care how they look

   Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars - might recommend.* *mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

   therapist: you suffer from social isolation me: oh no therapist: you just need to talk to people me: OH NO

   I just want to be as happy as most people pretend to be on Facebook.

   hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

   I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

   Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's sh@# attitude?

   Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry. Me: No, two of those are clean.

   Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business? Me: Oh no! Wife: What? Me: Bankruptsea!

   RAPUNZEL: oh no I'm out of hair JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

   I might be a 42 year old woman but I identify as a really angry 97yr old man who tries to hit people with his cane just for saying hi.