Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   . The Afghanistan address trump gave monday was very similar to one that Obama gave. Trump needs to get a new speech writer.

   I'm chocolate and I got a thing for Vanilla...

   Hey Clay Aiken, Rocky Dennis called. He wants his face back.

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments

   Bald people stop stressing. Your scalp is just taller than your hair.

   sometimes doing the right thing aint doing the right thing...

   Major League Baseball received numerous calls from Rangers fans threatening suicide, so they have set up a new suicide help line. The number is 1-800-STL-1029

   Had to take a drug test on my lunch break for my life insurance policy, the lady told me that I passed and asked me why I look so angry, I told her that my dealer has some explaining to do now....

   Always remember "You can't save these Hoes, That's Jesus job."

   Which is scarier, faceless kittens or faceless babies? And what's in ketamine?

   Alcoholism is not a disease.........it's a goal!

   Its the love of money thats the root of all evil you retard get your facts straight..

   I'm trying to break my record of 4 wanks in an hour, I'm abit tired I hope I can do it. My sisters pulling for me

   found my favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

   Due to rising fuel costs- NASCAR has announced its switching from laps to lapdances!

   Davy Jones died today? Didn't Jack Sparrow already kill him?

   Her: Changed Relationship status to Single.......Him:"LIKE".......Her: Keep dreaming buddy!!

   ‎~ Why second-guess - what feels so right - Just trust your heart ♥

   I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumb ass.

   I told my wife when she turned forty I was going to trade her in for 2 20's. She told me I was not wired for 220!!!!