Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chaos: What erupts when he-who-lives-in-a-glass-house invites he-who-is-without-sin for dinner.

   if only super glue worked on ANYTHING as well as gluing it's own cap on........

   never forget the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

   take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

   an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

   making a list and checking it twice......Its a hit list and you do not want to be on it!

   hasn't bought a single Christmas gift yet.

   You know its a bad economy when you are getting less bang for your buck with a hooker...

   My friends keep saying that they wish there was a "dislike" button on Facebook. Personally, I would have a lot more fun with a "That's what she said" button

   All my friends keep saying they want a "dislike" button on Facebook. Personally, I think it would be a lot more fun with a "that's what she said" button

   Thank you Facebook for your new dumb layout & for me having to click my status update 52 times for it to take....

   making my list and checking it twice due to early on-set senility!

   doesn't think you should ever compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is.

   "Hello Wednesday morning....for a moment, I thought you were your friend, Friday! Forgive the disappointed look!"

   I Would Never Be With Someone Just Because They Were Financially Stable. I Would Rather Live In A Trash Can With The Love Of My Life, Than To Live In A Mansion With Someone That Activates My Gag Reflexes.

   dreaming of a 'backcolor=#FFFFFF' Christmas.

   If you can read this, chances are you won't be recieving a gift from me this Christmas. Happy Holidays!

   3:48 a.m. i'd like a double cheeseburger, and some fries ... 'sorry we only have breakfast'

   I tried everything last night to get the baby to sleep.Finally after 5 bottles he went down.He's going to have a bad hangover!!

   once had a Hangover so bad I had to put sneakers on the cat