Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like I should apologize to my shower drain.

   The best person for a job is generally the one that understands it enough to not want it.

   Make a wish, and only you know it. Make a mistake, and everyone knows it.

   With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine

   Seasons Beatings from your local Dominatrix office.

   The three magic words EVERY woman loves to hear, “You were right.”

   Some people's morning breath is an effective form of birth control.

   My elderly neighbor wanted to know what my email number was.

   Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.

   I wish my vacuum went "OM NOM NOM NOM" whenever it sucked anything up.

   I can't quote it verbatim,, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:

   If at first you don't succeed, do it the way I told you!

   got 99 problems, and money is all of them

   Sometimes I just want to tell someone "You should play catch with lawn darts."

   Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don't worry, worrying is also bad for you too

   So excited that The Weather Channel picked up "Weather" for another season!!

   If you pretend not to see me, I will use my outside voice to say hello.

   If it ain't broke, borrow money from it.

   Once I participated in a "Nice Guy" 5K Run..... We all finished last.

   I try not to be rude, but some of you make it hard work.