Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm an angel, the horns are just there to keep the halo straight

   Fricken spellcheck. Looks like Santa will be bringing me a nice piece of glass this year.

   I'm never disappointed. everything happens for a reason. I jus get pissed waiting to see what dat reason was exactly.

   Winter Weather: where a couple of inches will keep a woman in bed all day.

   I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my girlfriend into 8 different pubs without a drink, and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

   I hate the way cats stare like they got something on you.

   All I want for Christmas is a Komodo Dragon named Pookie.

   Christmas shopping is a pain in the cash.

   My doctor recently took me off all my medications. It turns out I'm really an 82 year old man named Morris from Staten Island.

   Merry Winter Solstice....sugar coat it all you want with your own personal ignorance

   Oh Facebook! you go through more Design Changes than Women do wid clothes!!

   My mom woke me up today at 2, I was so hung over, she told me I needed to get a job, I told her I got 3 last night.

   If New things are supposed to be an improvement over their previous version, I would really hate to visit the original Jersey.

   Its so cold I'm thinking about roasting my chestnuts on an open fire!

   New entertainment. I go to a FB friends wall that I rarely talk to and I keep going back to the oldest post I can find from them and press like. This really confuses them. Especially, if it's them just asking someone you don't know how they are

   Justin Beiber has a movie coming out! What is this world coming to? We would all be better off if someone pushed him into an active volcano!

   Humans invented peanut butter and chocolate, but God put them together

   Zuckerberg only won Time's Person of the Year because he defaulted the ballots to vote for him & nobody could figure out how to change them.

   My girl told me I should embrace more of the holiday season. So I glued a mistletoe to my back pocket!!

   I know you're great Superman, but telling a reporter your weaknesses and about your background was rather moronic of you. Why don't you just give your enemies a "How to beat Superman" list.