Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sweat Pants: Strong enough for exercising, but made for a guy to lounge on the couch and relax in.

   Anger is one letter short of danger.

   ~There are a lot of things you dont know about me facebook..Things you wouldn't understand......Things you couldn't understand........ Things you shouldn't understand.~

   New Age is Old School: The Dream(Prince), Trey Songz(R.Kelly), and Lady GaGa(Madonna)...Get your own image people

   n't today smile like a doughnut day! Happy 10-10-10 ;)

   You weren't the first to stake the flag son,but you walked on the moon..

   I Asked google cause I knew you would laugh at me..

   Literally just spent all night surrounded by the dumbest asses in captivity.....reason number 114 why people should beat their children. If you beat them while they're children, I wouldn't need to beat them as adults......they would learn to fear and resp

   converted my dishwasher into a snowblower: bought the wife a new snow shovel for her birthday!

   beauty is power, and a smile is its' sword.

   Thank goodness my Internet is working again. I don't have all your mailing addresses.

   Like a good neighbor, Mr. Rogers is there

   I hope when I die and I'm standing at the pearly gates "trying to get in" that they dont have a list of all the things I have Googled and start reading them aloud !

   New Urban Legand: If you stand in front of a mirror at midnight and scroll so far down your Timeline, you'll end up on MySpace.

   I complained about a headache. Then I met a man with no head.

   Sorry about the cold weather, everybody. I didn't realize I put my new air conditioner in backwards.

   ‎"Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Uhhh... 'cause you've got white stuff all over your butt." ~ Guy who's really bad at pick-up lines ツ

   If I had a really small dog that took really big poops, I'm pretty sure I would name him Deuce ツ

   What kind of streets do zombies like the best?… Dead ends

   My sweet dance moves bring all the boys to the yard and they're all, "Somebody call 911! This b itch is having a seizure!" :(