Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of the greatest advantages about having a child in diapers is that there is always a constant supply of Desitin for the mornings after I ate some wings or Mexican food.

   everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

   "I am, is the shortest sentence in the English language, funny how "I do" is the longest!!

   If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember... you can always change your birthday on Facebook

   a guys favorite line to a female "we'll just lie here and cuddle"

   just risked a car accident to type this...

   I always thought differently than the other kids in school. Teacher asked us if we could be any animal we wanted what would we be. I said, "A Bird". Teacher said, "So you can fly"? I said, "No, so my sh*t can be white".

   Let my friends talk me into smokin "chronic" for the first time last night but I prob. should've skipped my Ambien dose. Apparently, I started and completed my first book.."101 Ways to Prepare Succulent Penguin"...I didn't even know you could eat Penguin

   The only phrase I remember growing up was, "Don't put your hands back there!".

   war does not determine who's right, only who's left

   gots 99 problems and a fifth of rum. Problems solved.

   what you dont see with your eyes dont witness with your mouth

   all females should smile it's the second best thing you can do with your lips

   Just finished reading the book, "What Women Want". It was a pretty lengthy but interesting I guess. I figured I would follow it up and read, "What Men Want", but I found out that it was just a pamphlet

   What I miss most about having kids in diapers is that there was always a constant supply of diaper rash cream for the mornings after I ate Mexican food.

   we need more fathers and less sperm donors

   wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section

   would really like to own a meat factory. My favorite line to scream at the employees would be "GET TO THE CHOPPA!"

   It's always I before E. Isn't that weird?

   I'm a damn good listener....just ask the tv!