Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dreamed he ate a 10lb marshmellow, when I woke up the pillow was gone!!! WTF

   You are the rain to my showers, the April to my flowers, the fresh to my air, you are the sun to my set, you make my day beautiful.

   Who says women don't like simple, cheap things..we like guys don't we?

   i see you poked me, does that mean your dtf?

   I see Trump is still living rent free in the heads of those who live rent free... in mommy and daddy's basement.

   "Vini, Vedi, Velcro... I came I saw I stuck around!"

   I passed a Deloreon the other day. I thought... ‎1985 had Ronald Reagan, Rambo, rubics cube, mullets and Bon Jovi. Why would anyone time travel 2010? Obama, Justin Bieber, and Glee are enough reasons to try a different decade.

   Being born gaa why is the dumbest statement. You barely know how to walk but you already figured out your sex ual preference??? Fohhhhh

   Jesus: "Spare the lives of the over 30,000 children due to die from starvation today or help Tebow log a symbolic 316 yards against the Steelers? Hmmm..."

   Once the authorities say the shooter suffers from mental issues, then you automatically know its code for he is a white male.

   Ladies, it doesn't hurt to douche y'know

   wife: "hunny, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear" . . . husband: "kitchen, living room, dining room, bed room, should I keep going?" . . .

   Freedom itself was attacked by a faceless coward 11 yrs ago, that faceless coward....THE GOVERNMENT

   "life is just like Mario brothers, you have to slay a few dragons to get to the princess"

   loves Halloween, as people dont mind your garden looking scary

   The world is at peace when you're eating a burrito.

   I can't believe that guy in the Heineken commercial stole my wedding reception move!!

   May your turkey be overstuffed and the belt on your robe loose enough. Happy Thanksgiving!

   First love is when you meet in the moonlight and you find her lips pressed against yours. Married love is when you meet in the kitchen and she finds your trainers by the sink.

   Does all this updating my Facebook status make my ego look fat?