Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My parents never let me play with anything magical or watch anything violent as a kid. I just had family-friendly games trying to figure out who murdered this guy in the library with a wrench.

   Substitute " My ass" for "This girls" on fire and you're welcome Preparation H for your new ad campaign.

   ME: If you could sleep with... SUSAN: JOHNNY DEPP !... ME:...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. SUSAN: ohhhhh...

   My girlfriend just stormed out of an ice cream shop because they ran out of sprinkles, in case you’re wondering if I’m winning at life.

   man merely a mistake of G0d's? Or G0d merely a mistake of man?

   I was driving home from work yesterday when I noticed a man with one leg hitch-hiking, so I pulled over and told him to "Hop in."

   has a really bad case of SRH!!! (Sperm retention headache)

   How to make hard taco: 1. Buy soft taco from taco bell...2. Crush up Cialis ... 3. Sit in bath tub on dock over looking lake.. 4.wait for the right moment

   Ralph Macchio is 50. Pat Morita was 52 when the Karate Kid opened,,,,fact check next time!

   In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, "Oh come on y'all — little ol' me?"

   Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"

   Single Women - When you get your Facebook 'Timeline' take a long hard look at it, and you'll see WHY you are STILL single.

   Has any one seen dolly partons face she looks like the joker WTF..HAPPENED.!!!

   Myspace, the Nickelback of the internet.

   If a man's wiener was so huge it gave him back problems, he'd never have surgery. He'd just strap that sucker on a cart & go about his day.

   :B (Guy with buck teeth).

   I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me

   It's 4:20 on 4/20! Do you know where your bong is?

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking.

   just seen on news a midget got pickpocketed, how could anyone stoop so low?