Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing in my cupboards is a pregnancy test….. Dam it now I have two problems….

   When in doubt, make the jerk-off hand motion.

   If my wife ends an argument with "Fine, do what you want!" I'm pretty sure the words "If you do, I'll stab you in your sleep" are implied.

   "I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board

   wondering if dyslexics can truly appreciate alphabet soup...

   just had a moment of clarity...now i'm just waiting on the moment of give a sh!t to kick in to see what happens...

   It is friggin' cold folks...feels like about 5 degrees with a shrinkage factor of ~9...well, at least for some of us...

   Some people shouldn't be allowed to drive and talk on the phone, but not me though because I can drive with my knees.

   told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he understands English.

   I feel for those straving kids when I see those feed the children commercials...But when they show those kids and the lil fly comes and lands on there heads its a lil over the top..Cuz I dont care how hungry you are you got enough energy to knock a fly aw

   atleast none of us agree with tom cruise lol.... now back to the good ol days of funny updates shall we

   I think if a mandatory viewing of the movie, "Dogma" , has ever been warranted, this might be the day

   Did a law pass that I don't know about which requires all minivans to go 15mph under the posted speed limit on AM freeways?

   Starting my new excercise routine- I am tired of looking like I have two sets of breasts.

   If you need a Facebook application to tell you what cereal you are, I'll save you the suspense... you're a Fruit Loop

   Weather Warning for Glendale, AZ tonight: Reigning Ducks........

   BBC News: David and Victoria Beckham expecting fourth child. Oh wait, no, she's just eaten an apple.

   I'm sorry miss, but if you didn't want your melons squeezed than you shouldn't work in produce section.

   Huh, as a child I hated to get spanked with a belt and it made me cry. Yet as an adult I enjoy it and it makes me smile. Go figure.

   Derek Rowe Lease just signed... Movin away from the old meth and crack heads next to some nice occasional cocaine users..