Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I had no choice" - People who had a choice but feared the consequences

   Shirley Temple died today. I just wish there was something I could drink to honor her.

   When one door closes and another window opens you have a ghost

   Her: You came home drunk last night! Me: I wasn't drunk! Her: You slept with your motorcycle helmet on...

   Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"? 'Robin Williams, Mrs doubtfire'

   And then there was the blind prostitute. You really have to hand it to her....

   Hey, people who only order one drink at last call. What's it like to be a quitter?

   I recently went to the dentist and he wanted to take a mould of my mouth. When he was done he didn't like the mould so he asked me to do it again. I said "WHAT?! I usually make a good first impression..."

   The cry of the old hyena and the loss of the young goat are one.

   Vodka is like water, but with superpowers.

   Bring me pizza and beer and me love you long time.

   I look at people sometimes and think, "for real? That's the sperm that won??

   Dear Customer Service, I'm happy to inform you I've written this whole email with my middle fingers. _|_

   2 years ago the creator of redbull died, to this day his eyes are still open.

   McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, “Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.”

   I wonder if the serial killers use facebook. Jeffrey Dahmer : "Had a couple friends over for dinner last night"

   I'm drunk and I've got work tomorrow, but on the plus side. I'm having a great conversation with my dog

   She left the mental institution to be with me...I guess you can say she's crazy about me!

   FACT: your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate

   A cop pulled me over last night. I let him off with a warning.