Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently answering "Dust!!" when your partner asked what's on the TV wasn't the correct answer.

   just Who is Donald Trump's campaign manager now anyway???

   Just found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real!!! ... Dammit ... So much for my retirement plan! BTW ... Is Bernie still running? .... He's my backup plan B. If not ... That lady promising me lotsa free stuff will have to do. She can also print money right?

   Ok, This ridiculous Pokémon craze is getting out of control, but if you ladies insist on playing, I have a giant Pokémon in my pants. His name is Squirtle...

   there a Pokemon Stop? I'll get that one.

   I think it's funny how "go to sleep " and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to my kids

   If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.

   Found a pin that said "WWJD?" in my hotel room. I'm having a dilemma because I'm pretty sure cocaine and strippers isn't the answer.

   Why aren't Cadbury eggs available year round?

   Someone was blocking the grocery aisle with their cart, so naturally I walked over one aisle to get around them like an adult.

   Stupid dog keeps eating the cat food but I don't have the heart to tell her it's not actually made out of cats.

   It's pronounced PokeMON. Not PokeMAN, grandpa. You've completely ruined this baptism.

   Are they acting like a real debate?....TeamTrump having a slow start

   Happy to say that I'm losing weight like crazy! And if you want to know how I did it logout of Facebook.

   COP: someone's been cutting everyone's christmas lights but not yours ME: I have no idea why a crustacean- I mean person would do that [my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

   If you can read this, you're going to be pretty disappointed in what I "got you" for christmas.

   All my friends just got fired from the rodeo. It was a real Cowboy boot.

   I wonder if the hats, which were made in China, are infected with the coronavirus?

   ALL STREAMING SERVICES SHOULD BE FREE AT THIS TIME!

   After 32 days of quarantining, I'm officially a f@t cu^ t.