Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fox news lied to me. Gay marriage is legal and I haven't married my cousin or my pet.

   Difference between a cult and a religion: In a cult the guy at the top knows it's a scam; in a religion that guy's dead.

   I wish the first rule of Christianity was exactly the same as the first rule of Fight Club.

   the money you could be saving from Geico

   in your refrigerator.

   Be nice to your parents, because your dad could have shot you into a tissue or your mum could have swallowed you.

   I try not to curse, but when God D@mn slips out, I always get, "Don't use God's name in vain". I always respond, "I never said his NAME...God is simply a title, like Dr or Mr". Do you even know his name? Bible Thumpers...

   Why is President Obama out of the country and on vacation when this Charlie Sheen thing is still playing out?

   I advise you not to mess with me.. I know karate, kung fu, taekwondo, judo, jujitsu, and 47 other dangerous words.

   Sure you can have my phone number. It's like having a direct line to God. But better. Because I answer.. .

   Sorry Tim. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away

   Why God Created women ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

   *Uses selfie stick to push your baby away*

   "Drink Responsibly?".... LOL, Responsibility is WHY I drink.

   If you look in the mirror & say Candyman 3 times, my father will appear & tell you that you're getting fat.

   If you are not naked you're not feeling the vibe today

   My name means pathological liar in Slovenian.

   With no power comes no responsibility... (During a power outage)

   Industry has invented a machine which can pin point the exact location of any pungent smell. Dogs around the world are praising this device!

   *learns the pole vault Jumps out of the friend-zone*