Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I DIDN'T SLEEP WELL LAST NIGHT, SO I MADE MY COFFEE THIS MORNING WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF WATER.............I GOT HALF WAY TO WORK BEFORE I REALIZED I FORGOT MY CAR!!!

   Build a man a fire, he is warm for the night. Set a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

   I met this great woman, I sweet talk her and say all the right things. She says I wish there were more men like you. I sent her a poem and she no longer wants to see me. So much for having feelings. . .

   Jesus save. Passes to Moses. Off Mohammed. He shoots! He SCORES!

   Does Bruce Jenner qualify as a female driver?

   I have Hillary's private e-mail,It goes right to her campaign headquarters. You know, it's hillaryclinton@wallstreet.com

   When life gives you LIMES rearrange the letters until they say SMILE.

   Being single sucks when you know exactly who you want.

   Fellas, if you're wondering if the carpets match the drapes.....there is no carpet.

   if a hot guy is scared to talk to a hot girl, chances are his p enis is baby sized

   Figured I could get both of today's major statuses out of the way today with one word: Snowbama!

   William and Kate want their new baby to have some of Diana's traits, so they put a bonnet on his head.

   If your going to shoot a black kid and claim self defense, make sure you dont lie to the judge, and have $135,000 worth of asset and 2 passports!! Take some bathsalt to the head afterwards if you thinking about it.

   good joke today...single people change ur realtionship status to "in a relation". when friends ask who it is say "april....April Fools"

   Welp, my facebook wall is full of religion today (Good Friday). This makes me exempt from attending Mass later, right?!?! Pretty sure I've been preached to enough for a day.

   I've yet to see a picture of an Occupy Wall Street protest that didn't make me say, "Hey, that's the guy who delivers my pizza."

   I love you in Blue...I love you in Red...But most of all...I love you in....Blue

   Text REDCROSS to 90999 to help the tornado victims. (This is a status we all should put up today to help these poor people)

   You'll have to speak-up, i'm wearing a towel.

   looʞs lıʞǝ ɟɐɔǝqooʞ ıs ɐʇ ıʇ ɐƃɐıu˙˙˙˙˙˙