Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

   One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

   If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, "keep away from children."

   Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children.

   My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

   When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

   A female friend of mine said "single people can get sex whenever they want. I told her thats half true, a single woman can get sex anytime she wants. A single guy can only if he lowers his standards and ups his weight limit.

   Due to the holiday this status is closed. Will reopen tomorrow at 8am. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.

   so today is Presidents' Day and I'm a bit confused...are we supposed to misplace our birth certificates and not salute the flag today?

   Did you know…As a farmer, George Washington grew marijuana on his farm at Mount Vernon and promoted it's growth. (In the 1790s, the crop was grown mainly for its industrial value as hemp and for soil stabilization.) Anyway, Happy Presidents' Day!

   Good morning. Gas prices are ridiculous and I still hate Taylor Swift. Have a nice day. 

   walking and waiting for the Hawaiian Tropic tour bus to come by and ask me to be their oil boy.

   Now that KFC has dropped the phrase "Finger licking good" maybe Doritos could use it.

   If love truly is blind, she probably can't tell the difference between a gold necklace and a chain of paperclips, right?

   Brutally honest: The two reasons I would like a girlfriend are 1) consistant sex and 2) not having to find a date to functions such at weddings, couples nights, New Years Eve, etc...

   Just lost my job at the funeral, I guess I'm just not a mourning person

   Mondays are middle finger approved

   Facebook Poking Hours: Mon-Friday 7am-10pm Sat 12-11pm Sun Closed

   Since it's Presidents Day. I would like to honor President John Adams who travelled time and fought Robotic Dinosaurs in the year of our lord 2033.

   wondering why women can't remember to put the toilet seat up after they are finished?