Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its peanut butter and jelly time. Minus the peanut butter, hold the jelly and with beer.

   I'll bet you the President gets his mail today.

   I have so little game I'm not even allowed to play miniature golf.

   Cutting education funding to help the economy is like planting chicken eggs rather than feeding the hen.

   No matter what people think of you, walk around with your head held high. Multiple chins are not cute.

   You know that song by Bruno Mars called "Just the Way You Are"? Did you know if you changed that lyric to "Just Get In My Car" it changes from a love song to a really scary stalker song??

   And then it hit me, reality- just like when you realize the chicken you ate last night wasn't cooked all the way...

   Sometimes I click the "LIKE" button on people's statuses just so I can then click the "UNLIKE" button. One of my many cheap thrills...

   Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending.

   Just saw a story on CNN about bomb sniffing mice. When they smell an explosive they run...Re-confirms what I already knew, if you see a mouse running around...RUN!!!

   Everyone has that friend in the group that everyone hates but just keeps them around for the sole reason of hating him. If you think that's not the case in your group, then you're that friend.

   Today, I went to Walmart to get the latest Grand Theft Auto. The salesgirl didn't know what it was, so I tried to expalin. "It's about a black guy who crashes his car, sleeps with prostitues, and attacks people with a golf club." She came back with Tiger

   It really upset me when I heard that Justin Bieber was anti-abortion, because it meant I had to rearrange my top 10 list of things I care least about.

   These red lights never give me enough time to finish my Facebook status upda

   I bet hell is full of morning people and obsessive compulsive Facebook pokers.

   Shout out to everybody that had to work on President's Day bwahahaha

   "Hey, there's food on the ground. Let's go." "No way, it hasn't been 5 seconds yet." -germs

   Its called a WATER HEATER people. Not a hot water heater!!

   A lot of my friends and relatives are getting married, I don't go all out on gifts anymore after my marriage, I just buy them all the same thing, a label machine- and with it a card that says in two years you will thank me…

   wearing all cotton clothes while eating chicken, watermellon and drinking purple kool aide; while learning about black history month.