Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

   If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

   Strangly enough we will need China to finance us in our war against them ! Crazy thing is they will probably do it !

   One man's hoe is probably another man's hoe too.

   The mirrors in my house have been pretty sarcastic lately.

   Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

   Lance Armstrong admits to cheating. Can you believe the ball of that guy?

   Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn't mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks. .. If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card.

   My wife gets annoyed with my long showers. I told her they could be 10-15 minutes shorter if she joined me.

   Girl at bar: My kids are my world!! Me: Then why are you out drinking??

   Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.

   Women are weird. Hundreds of people can tell them they're beautiful but they'll obsess over the one person that doesn't.

   Two things you should never do to a woman is lie to them and be completely honest with them.

   You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.

   Sometimes you have to accept that the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you.

   To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought, "You know, I bet I could make some kind of hot drink out of these things."... I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH.

   Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank.... I have no words right now to describe how angry I am

   The brain has around 100 billion neurons in it. Makes you think

   Kids, try dealing with bullies the way I did: Grow up to be smarter, wealthier and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.