Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just changed my relationship status from "left hand" to "right hand"...

   If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life

   Morning showers: you never want to get in, then you never want to get out.

   I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me.

   Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.

   Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.

   "You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."

   I'm always very flattered and humbled when I get an invitation on facebook from someone I don't know, to attend something I never heard of, along with about 12,000 other people.

   Never in my life have I ever seen someone so excited to take a sh!t!----Those Bears in the Charmin commercial

   Just remember whatever you put up with you end up with!

   Jumbo tampons and magnum condoms should be on the same shelf for chance meetings and match making purposes.

   Having a hell of a time getting my leg out of this blood pressure machine at Walmart

   Practicing my "Eye Rolling" cause you know... tomorrow's Monday.

   What's with these people on facebook who never particpate on your page at all, yet act all weird when you decline attending their $tupid event?

   Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.

   I'm always on my ''Best'' Behaviour...It just so happens my Best Behaviour isn't very good!!

   To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.

   Instead of 3 debates, the presidential candidates should be on Jeopardy, Are you smarter than a 3rd grader, and American Gladiators to determine who gets my vote.

   I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.

   Today everyone will update about who they chose for president, then tomorrow it will be back to what they chose for lunch.