Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2 things you never guess on women: age & weight....wrong answers hurt

   I don't think I could ever stab someone...I can barely get the straw into a Capri Sun!

   after 4 days with the flu, I think I've ended the worldwide shortage of snot...

   So Christian Ponder is engaged to Samantha Steele. In typical Christian Ponder style, after the wedding there will be NO RECEPTION

   I think I'd be a good role model for plants!

   likes to pretend he is in a parade when he is stuck in traffic.

   Turns out "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop" is NOT an effect pick-up line.

   Reading someone's status and thinking 'OH CRY ME A RIVER'

   girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old s?it

   I have Monday phobia ima shut my eyes and when I open them please be Thursday :-)

   going to have some explaining to do if I ever accept my new GF's friend request...

   I've been listening and wondering all day, and then it hit me. The ice cream truck isn't going to run because of the holiday.

   "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife" [groom looks at bride], groom says "Is this the only time you never answer for me in front of everybody?"!

   When people say they "live their life" it usually just means "party hard." It doesn't mean "learn a lot about stuff that interests you", "volunteer to help people less fortunate than you", or "enjoy the benefits of a good night of sleep."

   Okay Garbanzo we get it. Your 14-year old girlfriend is fat, ugly and cut herself shaving while drunk.

   It's frustrating when you know exactly what something means but not how to explain it

   I've learned a lot from women...Especially how to get out of a speeding ticket..Like crying for instance... It just doesnt work for women... Totally freaks the pol!ce out seein a man cry

   You call it an invitation to your wedding. I call it an invitation to free food and alcohol.

   I'm not saying movies are getting watered down these days, but The Bourne Constipation was just plain awful...

   The only thing worse than finding ants in your pants is finding Jerry Sandusky in them.