Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay so you wake up to a naked Mickey Rourke in your bed....what mixture or drugs and alcohol do you take to kill yourself?

   I bet before the judges enter their courtrooms, they smack each other on the ass and say, "Now get out there and do some justice."

   Secret to satisfying women; Under-promise but over-deliver!

   Attn. Northern People: Yeah, you should stock up on flashlights, but Lite Brites spelling "Were All Gonna Die" is festive and functional.

   Rocky Mountain High? John Denver was able to foresee the future! Well, except for the whole running out of gas in an airplane thing.

   Why can't I just win the stupid lottery already?

   2 things you never guess on women: age & weight....wrong answers hurt

   I don't think I could ever stab someone...I can barely get the straw into a Capri Sun!

   after 4 days with the flu, I think I've ended the worldwide shortage of snot...

   So Christian Ponder is engaged to Samantha Steele. In typical Christian Ponder style, after the wedding there will be NO RECEPTION

   I think I'd be a good role model for plants!

   likes to pretend he is in a parade when he is stuck in traffic.

   Turns out "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop" is NOT an effect pick-up line.

   Reading someone's status and thinking 'OH CRY ME A RIVER'

   girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old s?it

   I have Monday phobia ima shut my eyes and when I open them please be Thursday :-)

   going to have some explaining to do if I ever accept my new GF's friend request...

   I've been listening and wondering all day, and then it hit me. The ice cream truck isn't going to run because of the holiday.

   "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife" [groom looks at bride], groom says "Is this the only time you never answer for me in front of everybody?"!

   When people say they "live their life" it usually just means "party hard." It doesn't mean "learn a lot about stuff that interests you", "volunteer to help people less fortunate than you", or "enjoy the benefits of a good night of sleep."