Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear douch%bag on the street corner yelling that he has more "swag" than anyone else in this city, do please tell me what store accepts "swag".

   Went for a jog tonight and saw a payphone and I was like ''WTF is that!!!''

   I violently vomit and get overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts whenever I read B EGO's sentimental crap.

   The most humbling, terrifying, self-reflective moment in a man's life is when he realizes his beautiful daughter is attached to a v@gina.

   I’m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn’t work out.

   The movie scarface is actually a remake of the 1932 classic movie, scarface! So stop bit*hing about the planned 2014 remake.

   The wind just blew a plactic bag away from me at this table and down the sidewalk. "That one's on you, Mother Earth."

   "I like when the girl makes the first move" - Wussy

   been a rough week for america...derik jeter is hurt,victor cruz wont sign a deal and psy has a new hit record...how can this get any worse?

   Words of Wisdom: Don't cover your mouth when you sneeze. You'll get snot and stuff all over your hands ツ

   I always wanted to know how long 'forever' was and by looking at some people's relationships, it's around 3 to 4 weeks.

   I'm having a funny withdrawal. Someone please post something hilarious soon or I'll have to check into detox

   Stupid teen mom...There were easier ways of birth control besides The Backdoor. But at least your learned.

   OMG When you've stalked someone's Facebook or Twitter, (1 million times), then you start talking to them, HOW HARD is it to NOT mention things you've learned from stalking!!!

   Roll up to Uhaul store, roll down all the windows, blast "I Like to Move It" until they call the police

   Someone cook me dinner so I can Instagram a picture of it. It's an emergency.

   I survived Alberta Flood 2013

   I pick my nose like it's going to make me a sandwich afterward.

   I need to get a refund for my "DO NOT ARREST THIS MAN" t-shirt.

   I'm an overachiever when it comes to underachieving in life.