Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kid is almost old enough for social media, so we'll need to have "the talk" soon. You know, about your/you're and there/their/they're.

   Why do I have to add my birthday to your calendar? It's on my page.

   I've discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I'm probably going to die alone.

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flintstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard.

   MLM's…aka "PYRAMID SCHEMES" is just like the LOTTERY. It gives MILLIONS of people hopes & dreams but in reality they just end up losing money while ONLY A FEW hit the jackpot.

   Never in my life have I ever seen someone so excited to take a sh!t!----Those Bears in the Charmin commercial

   Just remember whatever you put up with you end up with!

   Jumbo tampons and magnum condoms should be on the same shelf for chance meetings and match making purposes.

   Having a hell of a time getting my leg out of this blood pressure machine at Walmart

   Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.

   Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.

   "You are so rude!" moaned my wife. "The whole time I was talking you were yawning!" "I was not yawning. I was trying to say something."

   I'm always very flattered and humbled when I get an invitation on facebook from someone I don't know, to attend something I never heard of, along with about 12,000 other people.

   I just changed my relationship status from "left hand" to "right hand"...

   If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life

   Morning showers: you never want to get in, then you never want to get out.

   I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me.

   Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.

   How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.

   Alcohol does kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I'm not even sure armadillos count.