Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone else got that one drawer they wish they never opened?

   Glad to know that Google & Bing are the surrogate parents of this generation & can answer all the uncomfortable questions

   not sure I trust my Dr. he seems ok..except for his big red porous gin blossum nose.

   a mute's dream job to be a mime?

   my heart is the dumbest organ in my body. but also it keeps me alive.

   Mall cop wasn't going to let me park in the handicapped space. Then I showed him pictures of me dancing.

   Sometimes, I wish I had a husband to ignore & not f^ck so I could build a crafts empire.

   if you've got a body that won't quit, I might as well sit back and relax.

   While using a public toilet I use the first pieces TP to cover the automatic flusher sensor because its just annoying until I'm finished.

   Ever notice the car dealerships commercials with hundreds of people running there to buy there cars...lol that never happens theres no one there..dah.!

   T-Rexs can't scratch their stomachs, it's a major design flaw.

   The 'man bun'.....A hair raising trend.

   Little shampoos. Sure they make you feel like a giant but you're not, you're not a giant. Also they make bad travel souvenirs too.

   ran 2.7 mi today , apparently the ice cream truck dosen't have rear view mirrors,. I hope that the time when we paid with two protein en-crusted tube sock's full of corroded pennies didn't have anything to do with it...

   Hit my head on a flag pole ... now I'm seeing Stars and Stripes ....

   If I had a militia we wouldn't occupy a federal building, we would occupy a Krispy Kreme.

   Two Jihadists have been located: Hous Bin Farteen and M'Balls iz Hari

   facebook doesn't allow breastfeeding photos

   Anyone know what happens when you mix up your recipes with your receipts? No? Well I'm not going into too much detail but I just ate my f@ck!ng work boots. . .

   Next Food Trend: Looking up from your smart phones while you eat.