Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm here for my ballet lessons, so move over because I look damn good in a tutu

   Asking me if you can "jam on my guitar" is like asking me if you can sleep with my girl. If anything, your chances of me okaying you sleeping with my girl are exponentially greater.

   true story: girl crying, calls me up and says her fiance left her a note out of the blue saying, "Babe dont worry about me, I'll be gone for 2 days!" I'm thinking she needs a drink or two with me tonight!

   What's the word for when someone realize that they love you after it's too late? Oh yeah, "get lost loser".

   Well... with the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage... I think its safe to say that a Bieber / Cyrus wedding is inevitable.

   The case of beer I bought for the 4th somehow shrank by 2/3rds last night.

   Bring a banana peel to a karate fight.

   I just found an onion ring in my French Fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind.

   You know you are hanging with the right person when it feels easy and comfortable.

   I am kind enough to forgive but not stupid enough to forget.

   One day, I'll twirl a can in confidence. You'll see.

   "Continental Breakfast". What is continental with jam, bread and coffee/tea?

   The problem with feelings is WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?

   My heart is saying no but my mind is saying yes. Shhhh, quiet down heart. Let's see where this leads.

   At 2AM tonight it's Daylight Savings or "Drunk Dial Everyone You Know" night as my party buddies like to call it.

   It's all fun and games making fun of me and my fanny pack until you find out there's an ounce of meth in it.

   Mowing the grass on December 1st. Like every year, I'm having a green Christmas.

   If distilleries donated a dollar for every whiskey shot done under an office desk, we could cure cancer by end of business today.

   so many kids give carrots to the reindeer on Christmas & as they're flying you never hear of any droppings hitting a car or a roof.....id like to see that insurance claim

   To connect with Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and end up slipping on it.