Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just heard that Harold Camping is the new front running Republican presidential candidate

   I'm a feminist, but not like a "wants to pay my own bills" feminist.

   the reason you get up in the morning <3

   Cats do not make good pets. If you die, your cat will eat you…

   "Bailiff! Why is this evidence covered in chocolate pudding?" Because, your honor, *smiles* The proof is in the- "Get out of my courtroom."

   DEAR SANTA, When you're done with it... Can I have the naughty girl list????

   It's ANYWAY. Not ANYWAYS. Seen the mistake too many times.

   crazy? I was crazy once . . . my friends locked me in a padded room they said I was nuts . . . nuts? squirrels like nuts . . . squirrels are crazy! . . . crazy? I was crazy once . . . my friends locked me in a paddes room they said I was nuts . . .

   Trump has been divorced three times. From: 1) Ivanka. 2) Marla. 3) Reality.

   Just found out the my emotional support dog is a Hillary Clinton supporter how depressing :)

   As a Disabled Veteran let me make my opinion very clear. If you take a knee during the National Anthem you are not disrespecting me. YOU ARE HONORING ME. I sacrificed for your freedom to make that choice.

   thought about making a belt out of old watches, but decided it would be a waist of time.

   How come when your wife's pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!!!!!

   How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

   Hey People lets not forget about William and Kate!

   Good morning : ) I was thinking...What if the Rapture happens and you're in the middle of a poo? You'll be floating up to heaven, pooing on everyone below you.......

   "911, what's your emergency?" - "Quick, my dreams are dying!"

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction.

   I'm so going to Hell now! ..... The good news is I'll see a lot of familiar faces... I CALL SHOTGUN!!

   ...Chelsea Clinton got married this past weekend. Great to see Chelsea grow from an awkward, homely child to an awkward, homely adult.