Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does everyone asking questions during the debate have a deviated septum??

   Sometimes you're the windshield and sometime you're the bug!

   I'd pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   I once tried to sell my soul to the devil... But he said it was too dark and rotten to be of any use to him. The best offer he could make was some broken glass and a Milli Vanilli cassette. I took the deal, because hey... Milli Vanilli!

   Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl just supplied the oil.

   URGENT message to all ginger girls: Dont have a Brazilian; it looks like a fish finger....

   Guests Who Kill Talk Show Hosts, on the LAST Jerry Springer

   I warned my daughter and I'll warn you too......I- Phone owners should not download the Pregnancy test App..... Peeing on you phone will only destroy it !!

   I bet the real reason why all the Democrats in Wisconsin jumped town is because they actually had money on the Steelers and refuse to pay up...hahaha

   Take your time, think a lot. Think of everything you've got. For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

   Outraged that Charlie Sheen turned down my offer to do a spin off show called 2 ½ grams…

   At least they performed better than the Ram pickup you push to Kragen every day...lol.----Okay, not original but I HAD to do it!

   If your going to hit my car with your door, then stare at me like ur mind me..and I ask you if you have a problem, man up and don't walk away..Stupid 90 year old lady in a wheelchair with oxygen tanks...

   Something is wrong with you - if you are having sex to gospel music.

   Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

   Congressman Weiner accused of sending photos of his weiner to a college co-ed....too funny

   Bacon strips for all meals of the day

   Im sure the bachelor party for this royal wedding crap was insane and there were lots of strippers!! But if you think about it, its kinda creepy. Could you imagine "making it rain" all over the strippers with your grandmothers face on it...

   If girls could read my mind, I'd would get punched in the face a lot.

   I bet Inspector Gagdet really knew how to please a woman with all those extendable body parts.