Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife told me she wanted something that goes from 0-200 in 2 seconds flat when shes in it. I gave her a scale

   i was in a jehovah witness hall yesterday, they started speaking in tounge, I swear they sounded like a honda accord going in reverse.

   My night in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil!

   Some sick f##ks in this world I tell you.. That sicko in Norway who killed 87 kids needs to be given the same treatment.. Line him up and 86 members of his vile family and torture them until they cry for mercy and then finish them off.

   Sean Kingston says 'somebody call 911'

   Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

   Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy and enjoy life!!

   I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

   HOODTRANSLATIONS: "Bruh I got da whip"= My mother was kind enough to let me use the car Today.....

   When I was in kindergarten my teacher told me to sit indian style. So I bought a bottle of cheap whiskey and laid in the gutter.

   I had dinner with Cheech and Chong earlier. It was great! But those brownies we had for dessert tasted kind of strange.

   I accept this Nobel Peace Prize, blah,,,blahh,,,,blahh,,,blah...blahhh.....................

   So...you've been eating hot dogs, chicken nuggets and other processed meats all your life, but you won't get the shot because you don't know what's in it????

   "Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow" sound terrifying.

   I hate being single. I'm not good at it.

   wearing a thong made of shamrocks...

   "the kid next door's, imaginary friend"

   getting enough exercise pushing her limits

   If you wear a mask when you're driving alone, there's no need for you to put a Biden sticker on your vehicle. We already know.

   thinkin of sending obama a cabbage patch kid for fathers day not because he plays with dolls tho I thought he could use the birth certificate!