Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saw a teenager today and I couldn't figure out if it was a boy or a girl. That's our future. Still jerked off to it though.

   I personally do not care if the Toyota's are made in my basement….it is still a Toyota. Toyota is not an American company.

   if it wasn't for the USA all you hosers up there in Canada would be speaking Russian right now...But it was a hell of a game!

   Today's Email: "I moved Bush's new memoir to the crime section at my bookstore".

   I donate .05 cents a day to a local charity. That way whenever someone tells me how great there day was I can say "Yeah, well I donated to charity"

   Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

   I don't intoxicated and delusional. I get drunk and confident.

   features more cowbell than legally allowed in seven countries

   Lord, please place one hand over my shoulder and the other over my mouth when I'm drunk...thank you...

   I asked my son if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!

   I promise I won't procrastinate anymore....I'll start tomorrow!

   just saw Eclipse and can't believe it took 3 movies (and 2 actresses) to kill off that b*tch Victoria! And Jacob - get a clue, you stalker!

   that the only reason your EX-bf wants to have you have back is EX w/ an "S" at the beginning.

   anyone want my old toaster oven? It's pretty snazzy…has the pattern of a loaf of Wonder Bread stained on the top of it….they're all the rage ya know…be the first of your friends to own one…at the low…low price of——-> FREE!”

   wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

   Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone, who needs a smack upside the head. People who need a smack upside the head affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who needs a smac

   Pass the parcel would work better if there is no prize that way one kid is disappointed but everyone else is happy

   lowered her expectations to the point that they've already been met. <sigh>

   If you read my mind you'll see I'm CRAZY FOR YOU ....

   There's too much blood in my caffeine system...